actually good // actually god.
This month's post for everyone 💚
there’s this idea i’ve been working over in my mind lately, centred on the phrasing: ‘actually good’. i have been on both ends of it. someone in my circle does a thing well, particularly artistic or creative, and i or another person says ‘oh that was actually good.’
i also remember what it felt like to say something like that about another person. it’s the ick. most people, myself included, are apologetic immediately. the fix is easy enough. we’re happy to be generous with it: stay open. approach these opportunities when someone we know does something outside of their comfort zone, support them.
but there’s this funny thing, i am not so eager to be generous with my self. i should be eating better, have a better sleep routine, working out more, writing better, on and on and on.
in this context, ‘actually good’ can be positive rather than negative. it becomes a way to balance the scales. whatever i did today was actually good. where i am at in all aspects of my life, it’s all actually good.
i’ve heard this framed by different people, some spiritual, some not, who will say that the way We should see things is that anything and everything that happens is for your good, for my good, for the good of whoever owns it.
on a personal level, the way i’ve interpreted this sounds like: everything that happens in my life, particularly the things that i am quick to label ‘bad’, gets me closer to knowing who i am.
after being fired i’d create a story about how i am not safe. losing friends might lead me to create a story about how i can’t establish healthy boundaries. i have a whole library of stories specific to all the things.
but in one way or another, i can find that there is something ‘actually good’ about it all.
fired: good because i hated that job anyway and now i’m free.
lost friends: good because i can now be open to finding love and friendship that’s reciprocal.
not so great performance review at work: good because it’s accurate.
disappointed by family: good because i am made aware of my standards and values.
i don’t advertise this is how i’m thinking; i’m not putting up little post its for family, former friends and coworkers to read with my personal interpretations. the key for me is not creating scenarios in my head that lead to confusion, anger, depression. it is an understanding that stays with me and is protective.
sometimes things happen that bring me closer to others. sometimes things happen and i get to see a part of the city i’ve never seen before. sometimes things happen and i get some amazing alone time. sometimes things happen and some delusion i had clears up. sometimes things happen and i get to catch up on television, take a break. sometimes circumstances showed me what i had to be grateful for.
this is the opposite of how i thought and felt when i was in throes of depression. if i am ruler of my own life, this is one of the ways i sit in the throne and claim dominion over it: i declare it all as good.
from this perspective, even the tendency to underestimate is actually good, because i can set myself up for pleasant surprises. and the tendency to be hard on myself is actually good, because it represents the standard of life i want for myself.
this is what i think it means to see yourself as a god. and if i can do this for myself it’s the gateway to seeing everyone else as a god, capable of almost anything, capable of changing the world.
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Next post will be about the ‘what now’, exclusively for paid subscribers. In two weeks!