How are you doing?
Yeah, I'm figuring it out too.
What do you need? Are you getting it? If not, are you doing anything about it? Do you need some help?
I am alone a lot and need face-to-face interaction with people I care for and who care for me in healthy ways. I know I am not alone.
In a way, I think this time alone is exactly what I need to get what I ... need. To take an idea from The Midnight Gospel (I am a little obsessed with that show), I had a lot of stuff in my brain; a lot of thoughts and painful, angry scenarios I would play out, lots of thinking.
What I wanted was to avoid silence because (and excuse the dramatics, but) silence felt dangerous. Being an asshole was a cheap way to do that.
The only thing it cost was <sarcasm> peace of mind </sarcasm>. And there no space in my mind for me to just be me. I became an asshole who tolerated assholes. Time alone has forced me to figure out how to de-asshole as much as possible.
So I found a therapist and a daily practice, which includes learning to be patient. To be fair, everything became easier once I was honest with myself about what I needed. It is both difficult and getting easier. I know I’m getting better when doing lots of thinking does not feel right and silence isn’t so bad. At least it’s consistent.
Avoiding silence is another way to say I was afraid of being “alone”. And that is kind of hilarious. I made up this idea of what it means to be alone, and then no matter how many people were around, “aloneness” was there. It was everywhere, if I chose to look. A manufactured fear that was constantly at my heel.
(Check out Kelly Stamps on YouTube. She has turned being alone into an art.)
We know and see people who seem alone every day. Us singles are by ourselves inside of our apartments; I spent the holidays by myself last year. We’re alone when we’re with people who don’t get us. If being ‘alone’ was that bad, for the few seconds, minutes, hours, days or months that we are by ourselves or in silence, the big scary thing would happen. And yet...
We're still here, laughing at things on the CIA’s Internet, playing games, fartin' and watching Netflix.
Until next time, friends.
Some good news: I got patrons! And am grateful for the support!
Check out Christina's shop, Tee Thang: T-shirts and swag for the culture.
Patroning starts at $2 / month. Posts go deep on things, like art, self-sabotage, and how my writing process happens.