its giving the alchemy of my mind

notes and lessons from a void

art by @thefairyartmother.

when it was necessary to end a long friendship, and to stop devaluing my time and energy with employers, i found myself alone.

not in the way where a couple paragraphs down you’ll read about a conversation i had over dinner with friends, i mean in the sense of being totally and utterly by myself.

as a result, life has been real quiet.

there was a time when i was surrounded by people but alone with my thoughts and i could see it in my future. a premonition. i knew this time, these quiet months, were coming.

i knew i’d have days; holidays, birthdays and everything in between—being completely by myself.

it was like being in a theatre and hearing someone yell at the person on the screen: DON’T go in there! · DON’T open that door. · DON’T pick up the phone! · DON’T go into that danger!

i heard the screams and warnings of being alone, single, by myself, very clearly. just like that stupid person on the screen, i went right into that place i wasn’t supposed to go.

i ignored the warnings because i was drawn to the dark place. i wanted to know what was in that solitude that was so scary.

*

what i heard and saw is the ways in which i misuse my power.