art by @thefairyartmother.
when it was necessary to end a long friendship, and to stop devaluing my time and energy with employers, i found myself alone.
not in the way where a couple paragraphs down you’ll read about a conversation i had over dinner with friends, i mean in the sense of being totally and utterly by myself.
as a result, life has been real quiet.
there was a time when i was surrounded by people but alone with my thoughts and i could see it in my future. a premonition. i knew this time, these quiet months, were coming.
i knew i’d have days; holidays, birthdays and everything in between—being completely by myself.
it was like being in a theatre and hearing someone yell at the person on the screen: DON’T go in there! · DON’T open that door. · DON’T pick up the phone! · DON’T go into that danger!
i heard the screams and warnings of being alone, single, by myself, very clearly. just like that stupid person on the screen, i went right into that place i wasn’t supposed to go.
i ignored the warnings because i was drawn to the dark place. i wanted to know what was in that solitude that was so scary.
*
what i heard and saw is the ways in which i misuse my power.
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